Pathetic Nostalgia
I'm finding myself looking back too much lately. It usually means that I'm not happy with how it's going in the present. Not an easy place to be. Finding any good in the world now is a challenge, what with totalitarian rule becoming more likely, IQs dropping off and the concept of a job with benefits becoming a thing of the past. Struggling in a competitive job market with workers more skilled than myself, in an area where the cost of living is ridiculous thanks to inflated housing prices, food prices and gas over $4 a gallon just wears on the soul. A wife monitoring my response to this challenge ain't helping either, with one hand seemingly on the button for the ejection seat.
What to do? I've felt like I've been on the wrong path for a while now, trudging along, failing to achieve any kind of gains in my career since I've met the wife but sustaining myself financially, though barely. Seems like the only way to get to the next level is to make changes to myself that would fool no one, least of all myself.
So in this pause, I look back, listening to old songs from the 80's and 70's, a time when the world seemed a less cruel and oppressive place. ELO, Saga, Hot Chocolate, Black Sabbath, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeppelin--all songs written during times when the psychic pressure of the world allowed some beauty to get through the cracks. Now the world just seems a relentless drive ahead of itself, towards the part of the construction where the bridge isn't finished yet. Days like this make me want to just go home, tell the wife that if she's looking for financial stability, she should look elsewhere, rent a van, throw my stuff in it, throw my life into my brother's attic, drive my car to another part of the country and start over again.
But it's a moment that passes as quickly as the old songs in my headphones. I know I can't give up. But I can take it a little easier on myself, enjoy an expensive beer and a nice vinyl copy of some old album on the turntable while the wife makes dinner in the kitchen, the dog sleeps on the couch and the cats circle my feet for attention.
What to do? I've felt like I've been on the wrong path for a while now, trudging along, failing to achieve any kind of gains in my career since I've met the wife but sustaining myself financially, though barely. Seems like the only way to get to the next level is to make changes to myself that would fool no one, least of all myself.
So in this pause, I look back, listening to old songs from the 80's and 70's, a time when the world seemed a less cruel and oppressive place. ELO, Saga, Hot Chocolate, Black Sabbath, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeppelin--all songs written during times when the psychic pressure of the world allowed some beauty to get through the cracks. Now the world just seems a relentless drive ahead of itself, towards the part of the construction where the bridge isn't finished yet. Days like this make me want to just go home, tell the wife that if she's looking for financial stability, she should look elsewhere, rent a van, throw my stuff in it, throw my life into my brother's attic, drive my car to another part of the country and start over again.
But it's a moment that passes as quickly as the old songs in my headphones. I know I can't give up. But I can take it a little easier on myself, enjoy an expensive beer and a nice vinyl copy of some old album on the turntable while the wife makes dinner in the kitchen, the dog sleeps on the couch and the cats circle my feet for attention.
posted by JRH at 2:28 PM
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